just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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