I puked a lego.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
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No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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