4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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