I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS