Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened