did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks