look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas