Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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