this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.