why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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