someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
