btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
