I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
