i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
