he wants to bone in the snuggie
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
pop tarts are not kleenex
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
