Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
