For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
