So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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