I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
