his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
