dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
