i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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