Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Let's get the cat blown out
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
