Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Randomize
