dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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