note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
