Pants 0. Shit 1.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
