i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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