im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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