i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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