do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
