Someone shit on the floor
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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