I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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