I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
