Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
