We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
