No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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