Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
