I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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