hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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