I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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