the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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