Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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