Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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