He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
