Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize