guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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