i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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