i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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