He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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