I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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