I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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