Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
