i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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