i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
