Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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