just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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