My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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