Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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