that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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